Birthday reflections

on being in the last year of my 20s

Dear reader,

Today is a slow August day. 70 degrees, crisp, dare I say chilly—an early foreshadowing of the autumn months to come.

Two weeks ago, I turned 29. My internal system is like: what!!! But also, I feel so grounded. I feel more me than I ever have.

In the past, birthdays have been tender and delicate and kind of grieve-y, so I’ve really put attention on healing my relationship with my birthday. It has been so felt and so appreciated by my inner child & inner teen.

This year my birthday was quiet & simple & loving & easeful. I was bleeding and it was raining & my celebrations felt intimate and sweet. And I ended the birthday celebrations with a delicious day at the spa!

Today, I’m thinking about being in the last year of my 20s. What a decade it has been. In so many ways, I feel unrecognizable from 20-year-old Christie. I always wondered if arriving at this moment—turning 29—would feel chaotic, like I was gripping to being in my 20s. But it actually just feels calm & sweet & true.

20-year-old Christie was a junior in college, single, kind of floundering but pretending I had my shit together, only using they/them pronouns, exploring my gender identity, sarcastic as a defense mechanism, and at the very beginning of my healing journey. I was just dipping my toes into trying therapy again for the first time since I was 15. And underneath the masks I wore, things were fucked up. I had so many shadows and there was a lot of darkness that I didn’t know how to hold, so I was avoidant in most ways.

And ya know what? I’m SO PROUD OF THEM. All of my shadows, patterns, defense mechanisms — they were doing such a good job of protecting me, ensuring I didn’t get hurt, ensuring I had safe passage through the peaks and valleys of my life. I was doing a great job of wading through my internal waters, sometimes confidently, but mostly wearily.

I’m sure I’ll have more reflections about this last decade (my first fully conscious decade — wow!) but for now, I feel : proud, happy, grounded, centered, full, whole, expressed, vindicated.

At the start of this decade, I had a core belief that I was bad. In every way. I judged myself, I thought my actions were ridiculous, I made myself wrong for my patterns and protective layers, and I genuinely, subconsciously thought I was unlovable.

So, as this decade comes to a close, I feel so fucking clear. My self-judgments were baseless — judgemental just for the sake of being judgmental. And I have so much fiercely gentle love for all my many selves. And I’m so grateful.

May we all extend the same gentle compassion to ourselves as we do to our friends & loved ones.

<3
Christie