Forgiveness is a bitter fruit

letting go of the apology you think you deserve

photo by Kara Milstein

On forgiveness, resentment, loving things as they are, and releasing expectation

This week, I have sat to write this letter many times only to walk away, resolving to try again another day. I’ve also attempted to write about literally anything but forgiveness — slowness, my daily walk, my upcoming birthday. But what’s actually alive for me is forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a theme that I’m frequently working with — it’s one that I can always pivot into with ease. I’ve spent much of my adult life working with forgiveness, understanding it, embodying it, learning how to infuse it into my daily life and relationships.

If there’s anything I’ve learned about forgiveness, it’s that it never looks like what I want it to look like. Rather, it doesn’t look like what my ego wants it to look like.

I’ve paved a long, winding road toward forgiving the people I thought I would never forgive. More than that, I’ve found deep love and gratitude for all the things they’ve taught me.

Getting to this place of love and surrender and karmic gratitude can be summed up by these two sentiments that entered my orbit. They rang true and shifted my perspective on forgiveness and love forever —

Can I let go of the apology I think I deserve?
Can I love even this, exactly as it is?

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Truthfully, writing this letter feels incredibly delicate. There’s a part of me that feels like I can’t accurately convey how I feel about it all, about love and forgiveness and understanding and gratitude for every facet of the human experience.

In many ways, I’ll be writing and talking about this forever.

All of this to say, this newsletter is half-baked, a practice of surrendering to what’s alive for me, to what’s in process instead of perfectly wrapped up in a bow.

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There was a time in my life when I harbored a ton of resentment toward people. I would harbor resentment toward the people that hurt me, and I would harbor resentment toward people who I perceived had better, easier lives than I did.