Having the courage to choose differently

surrendering my grip on the cards I hold close

excerpt from Zazen by Vanessa Veselka

Here’s what I know—

Courage is a cliff without guardrails: scary without trust, and impossible to traverse without releasing control and surrendering.

One of my greatest life lessons is learning to trust myself, my instincts, & my body’s knowing.

There is a deeper thread coming up in my life around surrender & trust. And lately, I’m learning that there is a vital ingredient to trust: presence.

Presence and true connection, to myself & to others.

My journey with a dumbphone, my decision to volunteer at the local animal shelter, my shift away from social media — it’s all the same thread of presence & connection.

Of having the courage to get to know the world right in front of me.

In-person,
Face-to-face,

In all its mess,
and love,
and fullness.

“You must grow strong enough
to love the world,
yet empty enough
to sit down at the same table
with its worst horrors.”

— Andrew Boyd

There is a lot happening in the world. With the chaotic lead-up to the election, to the election actually happening, to witnessing the seemingly endless post-election processing on my social media feed, it’s a lot to be with.

What I’m coming back to is that I can only see the world in all its fullness when I hop off the hamster wheel of more more more.

I can only feel the full weight of the world when I am present, first with myself & then in relationship with others.

Sensation, devastation, chaos, overstimulation. How much of it have we desensitized ourselves to? A lot, I’m sure. For the last four months, I’ve been in deep practice with melting some of this desensitization.

And in surrendering to what’s actually right in front of me—in being able to feel what’s right in front of me—I’ve learned to trust.

Trust my instincts.
Trust my body.
Trust that the people around me can handle themselves.
Trust that I am my own creator of internal safety.
Trust that I can hold the reality of the world.

In an earlier draft of this piece, I wrote the question, “Am I strong enough to love this world?”

Two months later, I know I am.

The practice is clear: I surrender my grip on the cards I hold close so I can feel a glimmer of the world—in all its glorious, devastating fullness.

✨🪞

---

---

It’s been a while since I posted on Substack — how’s everyone doing? Feel free to drop me a line / reply to this email. Would love to hear from you.

<3
Christie