Letting go of my inner chill girl

on the "chill girl" facade

🧊 Felt compelled to bring this Instagram post I made back in January to my Substack — would love to hear if any of this resonates 💠

The residual threads of my ‘inner chill girl’ pattern have bucked its head these last few weeks. What this signifies to me is the readiness to clear out the final layers of this pattern/protective layer.

I know that there are still people in my life who describe me as “chill” and easy to be around. I get it. Historically, I’ve been someone who went with the flow and avoided conflict at all costs. Why wouldn’t I be considered a chill person?

But the thing underneath that I so clearly see now is that a “chill girl” is code for someone who doesn’t advocate for their needs or take up a lot of space.

It’s emotional constipation,
self-abandonment,
distrust in myself,
the fear of being seen,
and a deep form of people-pleasing.

I know that I developed the protective ‘chill girl’ facade to avoid being seen, avoid my needs, and ignore the intense parts of me that were asking for more. It was just an amplified version of my people-pleaser pattern.

I have so much compassion for this version of me, and so much grief for the ways I self-abandoned. There is more to say and write around this, I’m sure, but for now…

The truth of it has settled into my body: I am no longer willing to make myself palatable.

Here are some offerings for getting curious around this pattern:

🪞 Where am I afraid of being judged?
🪞 What does being palatable offer me?
🪞 What does being seen as chill protect me from?
🪞 Do I feel safe in my body?
🪞 Where am I outsourcing my worth?
🪞 Do I trust myself?
🪞 Do I have my own back?

Here’s to leaning into our MESS.

May you all release your inner people pleaser with ease + may you allow yourselves the messy, chaotic pleasures of being human.

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Here’s what’s been circulating in my portal of delights lately ~