My capacity for uncertainty

it's all about capacity, huh?

table spread from my bestie Sol’s 30th birthday

My backyard is currently home to a large family of groundhogs. They have a whole ecosystem going, actually. Four or five babies were just born and day in and day out I observe Mama watching over them, guarding them, teaching them the lay of the land. It’s so precious. Today, they ventured further than usual and explored the whole backyard while Mama stood watch on the stone wall, carefully monitoring.

Not to make this a more-than-obvious segue, but these days I’m feeling much like that protective Mama groundhog. Protective over myself, that is. I find myself safeguarding my capacity more than ever. Tending to it, playing with my edges, expanding where I can & stepping back where I went a bit too far.

I just graduated from my 6-month somatic pleasure-based business mastermind & so much of what I took away was around my capacity—really understanding it, learning how to wield it & mold it & shift it & open.

Now more than ever, I am honoring where I’m actually at vs. where I want to be. This is a tricky game I play with myself, one I’m so very familiar with.

For too long, I lived in the “where I want to be” phase & it probably comes as no surprise to you, reader, that it has not served me in any way. It’s just been another sneaky way to force myself into different shapes & masks.

Force. That’s one that’s really melting away. I didn't realize how much I was trying to force things or "make them" happen before, whereas now I'm like — I can just be where I am, and trust that the rest will come.

Forcing anything to happen is just trying to fit a square peg into a circular opening. It’s not happening unless you force it through by chopping the edges and making it into something different. I did this with myself for so long and my god it has taken me a long time to come back around to this point on the path. It’s like a concentric circle — you keep expanding and opening and at some point, you return to the same point on the circle, only now you’re seeing it from a more expansive perspective.

During our graduation ceremony, we made commitments to our emerging selves. In my process, I’ve come to understand that my emerging self is just a return to me, to my essence. The deepest remembrance, coming home to all my parts. It feels like getting into full congruence, a resonant alignment.

And let me tell you — it has been SO FUN to get back into alignment with my truest essence. My heart of hearts. My messy, holy, sacred selves. My biiiiiiig woman. It’s refreshing to see her again. She hasn’t been around for a while.

Lucky me—I get to spend a lifetime getting to know her again.

Slowly but surely,
the grip in my hands is easing,
my shoulders are dropping,
I am remembering how to flow.

My commitment to my emerging self? Stay in my body. Let it be as messy as it needs to be. I get to honor my capacity & go at my own pace. Always at my own pace.

Thank you for reading sacred attention. This week I am listening to Billie Eilish’s new album ~

<3
Christie