On self-preservation

spiraling has never brought me clarity

Yesterday, I found myself Googling “happiest places to live in the world.”

On the tail of reading about the horrific mass shooting in Maine, after reading about the horrific war between Israel and Palestine, after grappling with what it means to be from & live in a country that has continuously been complicit in genocide, I could feel that I was close to spiraling.

It is easy, in these moments, to keep consuming. Consuming the news, consuming infographics, consuming media, consuming podcasts, consuming, consuming, consuming.

It is from a pure place, this consumption. The desire to consume comes from:

✧ An open heart.
✧ A desire to understand.
✧ Your humanity.
✧ The knowing that something disturbing or horrible is happening.
✧ The yearning to learn how to help in whatever way.
✧ Empathy, compassion, kindness, curiosity, and love.

But, in my experience, the desire to consume also comes from desperation. This desperation has many faces, including but not limited to:

⌇ An extreme feeling of hopelessness.
⌇ Not wanting to be cancelled for saying the wrong thing.
⌇ Not wanting to say the wrong thing, period.
⌇ Wanting to understand every single perspective.
⌇ Feeling sick to your stomach about the state of the world.
⌇ Deep, spiraling, out-of-control anxiety.
⌇ Pressure from social media (to post, to follow the right accounts, to share).
⌇ Becoming enveloped in a sense of frenetic urgency.

I have spent a lot of time discerning where I am consuming from a place of desperation vs. from an open-hearted desire to learn.

Admittedly, there was a time when a lot of my learning and activism was also wrapped up in wanting to ‘do the right thing’ or ensuring others knew where I stood. Sometimes, this meant posting on my Instagram story before I fully understood a situation, judging people who showed up differently than I did, or frantically consuming everything I possibly could about a particular situation.

I have not posted publicly about the many things that are happening in the world right now — and it is not for lack of learning, caring, or taking action. I care so deeply.

But I have learned that when I am incessantly posting or consuming social media & watching horrific, real-time videos of current events, I spiral, and when I’m spiraling, I am utterly unable to take meaningful action. Instead, I become frozen and unable to move from the couch.

Luckily, there are people who do the meaningful work of posting and educating publicly (and have the nervous systems to do so).

I trust that my role is elsewhere in the web of social change. This looks like:

✼ Meaningful, in-person conversations.
✼ Calling representatives.
✼ Being wholly present with what’s right in front of me — my life, my people, my relationships, my community, my work.
✼ Reading testimonies & details from people who are personally affected.
✼ Reading the news and taking breaks to hydrate or take a walk.
✼ Checking in with myself — have I had enough water today?
✼ Checking in with my friends.
✼ Understanding where I have privilege.
✼ Offering free healing sessions for those needing deeper support, whether it’s breathwork, a coaching session, energy work, or just listening.
✼ Integrating & processing the information I am reading so that I can better show up for the people in my life.
✼ Remaining hopeful when there is literally no reason to be.

photo found on this insta

I found this graphic on Instagram and knew it resonated with the spot I’m working with. Acting as if it were possible to radically transform the world. Yes, this can be — and is — part of my role.

Sometimes, self-preservation is the greatest form of activism we can devote ourselves to. Trusting our bodies & knowing when to step back & listen or when to step forward & speak is just as essential as posting, educating, and marching in the streets.

My offering to you, dear reader, is to take a breath & check in with yourself.

▵ Where are you available to expand in how you’re showing up?
▵ Where are you unavailable and overextending in how you’re showing up?
▵ Do you need to hydrate?
▵ Do you need to stretch your body?
▵ Are you in need of a supportive healing session?
▵ Have you reached out to your friends & loved ones?
▵ How can you take action today?
▵ Are you overriding your personal needs?
▵ Have you been outside today?

These offerings come from a place of deep love & reverence for the human spirit. It is so nuanced & complex & painful to be alive right now, just as much as it is joyful & simple & sweet.

May we let ourselves live in the in-between. May we let ourselves self-preserve. May we step away when we are spiraling. May we listen to the voices that need to be heard. May we take meaningful action. May we discover where we lie on the web of activism. May we trust that others are finding the rhythm of their personal activism, just as we are.

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Here’s what’s been circulating in my ecosystem ~