Past life acrobatics
doing mental gymnastics to avoid surrender
On this sunny (and smoky) June Friday, I sit down to write and eat my homemade mango ice cream. There are tiny baby birds living in the bush next to the house, and I can see four of them dancing on the porch ledge, fluffy and sweet.
I am thinking a lot about how many lives I’ve lived in this lifetime. Countless versions of me snuggled tight against my belly and heart. I can feel each of their distinct personalities and see how far I’ve come.
16 year old Christie’s grief, 18 year old Christie’s walls, 22 year old Christie’s burnout, 25 year old Christie’s gall — all of them time capsules for the growth and healing I’ve devoted my spirit to.
Strikingly evident in the older versions of me was my resistance to surrender. That is, any sort of expression of truth or emotion would send me into a tailspin of NO, of running away, of avoidance, of being out of range.
It is no exaggeration when I recount the absolute acrobatics I would do to avoid just saying the THING. The truth, my needs, a noticing — whatever it was, I would avoid it. I would sooner perform dramatic mental gymnastics before surrendering and letting my heart be seen.
There are many reasons why this is, all of which aren’t relevant right now. What’s actually alive for me is my devotion to surrender these days. How I’d much rather let myself be seen in my mess, how I’d rather cry and be snotty and let the big feelings wash over me, how I’d rather be witnessed by my loved ones instead of icing them out. I’ve come so far in my journey of being seen, of feeling, of loving.
My friend Adam released his new song “Before I Died” today, and in it is a line that goes, “Who I am is healing who I was.” This rings deeply true for me. The love and approval I now feel echo back to 18 year old Christie, who really didn’t know what was possible.
It reverberates throughout every cell of my being — a knowing that yes, I have survived, I have made it, and more than that — I am on my knees for the miracle of getting to be alive.
May you all honor each version of you, past present future, and find an opening of heart and body to hold your many selves in reverence.
This week circulating in my portal has been…
Ending pride month with this iconic Janelle Monae music video for Lipstick Lover
My friend Adam just released his new song Before I Died and it’s beautiful
New Olivia Rodrigo song for all our inner teen expressions
Still listening to Cowboy Gangster Politician — highly recommend dancing to it
- is teaching a live three-week class called Teaching As A Practice that I am very interested in
This incredible poem Oumuamua by
This piece by Jessie Munton called Slaves to Love on the mother-child dialectic
The song Cleopatra Cowboy by Emma Zeck, which is not yet released, but I happened to catch the soundcloud link on her Instagram
Making mango ice cream at home with frozen mangos and topping it off with cacao nibs or chocolate chips! Extremely easy, yummy, and fun
Today I am thinking about this magical Icelandic landscape I visited in 2018 and would love to return to. Sunny, bright, mysterious, dimensional, otherworldly, awe-inducing. Beautiful.
A note on today’s newsletter
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Gratitude abound,
Christie