Returning to practice
happy solstice to all, balance, everything all at once
I am messy. That is, when I get triggered, I am a mess. I spin, I spiral, I overthink. My mind goes apeshit with intrusive thoughts and catastrophizing and playing out the worst possible version of every scenario I’m ruminating on.
Honestly, when I take a step back from it all, it’s quite entertaining. I am a very talented (and dramatic) storyteller, and I must laugh about it.
Today is the summer solstice, one of my favorite days of the year. And on this day, I am feeling everything. I am feeling happy and exuberant and joyful. I am feeling down and low and emotional. I am feeling a swirling in my belly and a ball in my throat. I am feeling alive and impatient and crunchy and amused.
Both/and, both/and, both/and.
I am always in the dance of balance. Which is to say, I am always practicing balance. In my world, there is no such thing as avoiding the down or the big, messy feelings. Instead, I let myself go there and feel it all.
But I’ve also learned that there is suffering when I let the mess overstay its welcome.
It’s like missing an exit on the highway. I linger too long, and suddenly the milk has spoiled and the fruit has molded and I’ve added 30 minutes onto my initial arrival time.
But I also know that the down is nourishing soil for creation and love and abundance.
Remembrance.
So I take the spoiled milk and moldy fruit and I compost it, letting it turn into something rich.
I return to myself.
I play some music, I move my body, I dance, I emote, I pull a tarot card, I drink some water, I sit and watch the clouds dance. I stretch, I sit in the sun, I kiss the cat’s head. I catch a glimpse of myself in the door’s reflection and think to myself I look cute.
I feel at ease knowing that all of me is welcome. With outstretched arms and shaky hands and a (tentatively — I’m working on it) open heart, I gather up my many selves and give them space to breathe.
When I return to practice — though I resist and fight it tooth and nail — I get free. I drop the chains, and I arrive and remember forever.
Today is the solstice. It is both sunny and cloudy, warm and chilly, bright and gray. It is everything all at once.
May we all let ourselves feel the exuberance and freedom of being everything all at once.
Today, I leave you with this song.
Pro tip: put it on full blast and move your body until you find the pearls of wisdom in the everything all at once.
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Gratitude abound, gratitude abound, gratitude abound
- Christie