Showing up for all of life

the anger, the awe, the fear, the hope

in Brooklyn, summer of 2023; captured by Kara Milstein

If I could have it my way, I would never get angry or fearful or jealous or sad or moody or make mistakes or experience anything that my perfectionist self has deemed “inconvenient.”

Of course, this isn’t a life—I am not a robot or Barbie living her perfect day. I’m wholeheartedly invested in living & experiencing the fullness of being human, in all its flaws & pains & annoyances.

Today I have felt like I’ve been trudging through, covered head to toe in wet, soggy mud. Drenched, saturated, and winded—my breath is hitching. I see myself with my hands overhead, gritting my teeth, letting out a feral howl to the sky.

Dramatic? Maybe—but it has been intense over here. I discovered a lump in my breast a little over a month ago and have been on a journey. Yesterday I got a biopsy done but before that, they tried to aspirate the lump which is really just a fancy word for drain. Turns out it wasn’t possible and it was extremely painful (or maybe it was the combination of the aspiration and the lidocaine hitting that was painful).

Either way, the biopsy is in progress and soon maybe I will have answers. Luckily the doctors are 98% positive it isn’t malignant or cancerous—when I found this out I sobbed in my car for 15 minutes and then bought myself a smoothie at the local health foods store to celebrate. I shakily accept! (Yes, even though my intrusive thoughts brain wants 100% confirmation before truly celebrating).

The universe always has a way of reminding me: we are all made up of small somethings & life-changing moments. Everything is so fragile and so resilient. Life could look so different if I had made a left turn instead of a right turn, or if I made a different choice than all the ones I’ve made thus far.

But then I remember: we are here for so short and for so long, and it is all so precious. Of course I want to experience everything my perfectionist self has deemed inconvenient. That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?

<3
Christie