Sometimes I wonder
thoughts as concentric circles
Sometimes, the medicine is in saying the intrusive thought out loud—holding it up like a mirror to reveal what’s real and what’s merely a shadow.
Sometimes I wonder if the people in my life will only love & accept me if I conform to their idea of goodness.
Sometimes I wonder if some small part of me will always be bound to what other people think of me.
Sometimes I wonder if the people in my life will abandon me if I share something they disagree with.
Sometimes I wonder if some of my connections lie upon faulty foundations.
Sometimes I wonder how old friends I no longer talk to are doing, how their families are doing.
Sometimes I wonder how my life would change if I had coworkers and I didn’t have to work alone all the time.
Sometimes I wonder what it might feel like to show up unabashedly. What would change?
Sometimes I wonder if all my friends are secretly judging me, thinking I’m weird or fake.
Sometimes I wonder why I care if literally anyone at all thinks I’m weird or fake considering I am living on a spinning rock in space.
Dear reader,
These are just a few of the intrusive thoughts my inner teen frequents. You can probably pick up the theme: a deep fear of abandonment, a gnawing fear of being “bad.”
For a long time, I let myself go on the ride of these thoughts, twisting & turning until I was exhausted. But eventually, I learned something life-giving: allowing the thoughts to breathe, to see the light of day—without shame or judgment—is vital.
Yes, these spirals have become familiar spots on my internal map. Yet, each time I speak them out loud, each time I let them breathe and exist, I carve a new inner pathway. The concentric circle expands and the perspective shifts—often softer, warmer, & more loving than the last.
When I say the thing out loud, I am often surprised by how quickly I can discern when something is just a story my inner teen is spinning vs. when something is a genuine feeling of grief, shame ready to be alchemized, or anger asking for a seat at the table. This practice of saying the thing has been part of my life since I was 22, and it has served me deeply.
Back then, I started a Google doc called “Stories I Tell Myself” and filled it with some of the wildest, gnarliest intrusive thoughts I was carrying. Seeing them written out was mind-boggling. It opened the door to a well of self-compassion, allowing me to create a deeper connection to the part of me that was clearly asking for love.
What was surprisingly helpful & healing was sharing parts of the document with friends. I was able to ask for reflections on the spots I was working with and was always met with tenderness & love.
If you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts, I truly can’t recommend this practice enough. It just might help you discern what’s true and what’s shadow—and, perhaps, let some love through the blinds for those shadows in need.
May we all stumble upon a deep well of self-compassion and allow ourselves to be cradled in a warm blanket of love and self-forgiveness.
An update on In the Portal: I’ve decided to keep the In the Portal section open for all readers (as opposed to only paid subscribers) throughout January. Please enjoy what’s been circulating in my portal of delights! ~
🌀 Just finished HOME, a 5-day journey on Range (a movement platform created by
). The experience was so nourishing and supportive, reminding me that I am deeply capable. I cannot recommend this platform enough—in general, it has been instrumental in my ever-expanding melting and unfolding✨ Have been using & loving the Reset facial mist from Little Beauty Kitchen, one of my favorite small businesses
☕️ The reishi hot cacao blend from Blume… delicious!
🕯️ I’d like to invite you to consider donating to Pam’s GoFundMe. She was in my breathwork training and, sadly, lost her home in the LA fires. Anything helps ❤️🩹
📕 I’m reading the Throne of Glass series by SJM and am currently on the Empire of Storms/Tower of Dawn tandem read (!!)
🪟 I am kind of new to listening to Ethel Cain but Sun Bleached Flies is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve heard in a long time
🟢 I have decided to experiment with Duolingo music lessons in addition to my regular Spanish/Japanese learning!
💘 J and I just finished watching season 3 of Heartstopper and it blasted my heart wide open. It’s the sweet, wholesome show that I wish high school me had
🌚 Also recently watched the movie Nightbitch with Amy Adams and loved it
🔸 As far as business-ish podcasts go, I’ve been listening to a lot of Off the Grid and Common Shapes
🦋 Not so much something in my portal as much as it is a request: I’d love to try vocal alchemy work to give some attention to my throat chakra. If anyone has any recommendations, please send them over!
Today’s earth spell ~ this moss friend I found on my daily walk. 💚
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what a beautiful and vulnerable offering, thank you
mapping is such a powerful tool, i look forward to trying it <3