Sun set sun body

letting everything die

“I am lost in my favorite way. No direction feels clear so I roll the dice and every side says god. And yet, what has been unknown for so long is finally so clear. Every wish coming true if you just wait. The snow melts and then it returns. You can start over at anytime, even if you have built a whole world.” — Cody Cook-Parrott

Dear reader,

I am lost in the woods.

Spring is coming, and with it my inclination to be out, more external, more social, more spring—but this is not what’s really true right now.

I am letting everything die.

Shedding everything — who I thought I was, who I thought I wanted to be. No identities, no goals, no titles, no roles. Who am I underneath it all?

I’m in the void, the dirt, the soil, the compost of life — writhing like a worm, wet earth under my fingernails.

I don’t want to be anyone.
I don’t want to do anything.
I don’t want to wear all the hats required of me as a small business owner.
I don’t want to split my attention in a million different directions.
I don’t want to optimize anything.

I want to inhale. Deeply. And then exhale one million suns.

I am in the letting go.

This isn’t a sad moment! There is darkness in the void but it’s clear and crisp. And there is relief here, too.

The true thing is: I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

So I’m going toward the sunset—deep orange & golden & fuchsia & lavender & indigo, melting into it all.

I visualize a colorful nebula, kaleidoscopic cosmos, a black hole as a womb space giving birth to stars.

I don’t know what’s next, but it feels good to be in this state of mystery, of limbo. Keyword: be. Not doing, not forcing — just being and allowing.

In the words of Cody Cook-Parrott, “No direction feels clear so I roll the dice and every side says god.”

I am starting anew.

Ample curiosity abounds, like a baby deer romping around an open field of fresh wildflowers.

<3
Christie