The grief of having what you want

the part that no one talks about

The part that no one talks about is the grief that comes when you finally become the person who can have everything you desire. The grief that comes with having what you want.

With no longer having to struggle or fight or people-please or appease. No longer having to claw my way through the muck of life, or trudge for days through a desert. No longer siloing my heart to heal in isolation.

The grief that comes when things are just… easy. Simple. Peaceful. Joyful, even.

Does it seem paradoxical? It is. But it’s also the most natural and obvious next thing. The part of me that spent years playing small, appeasing, armored, and masked is no longer running the show. Her tricks no longer work. There is no more playing small, or getting away with running a pattern, or pushing my feelings aside. Of course she is grieving all the things that are no longer true. But this grief is a purifying one.

I am like a flame, a cleansing fire, lava oozing out of an ancient volcano.

The grief is moving me and I am listening, emerging anew.

I think sometimes people conflate grief with being unhappy. The two are not synonymous. Grief is part of the essence of love. It is love. It is healing. It is an unabashed open heart, glowing & melting & surrendering & aching & honoring life. Cherishing life. Cherishing where you are in it all.

When I am deep in grief, in no longer being who I once was, I look around me. I see my home, which feels like a nest. I see Juulia on our porch under twinkly lights happily smiling back at me. I see the beautiful quality of my relationships that feel in alignment.

I feel myself having my own back, trusting the fuck out of every part of who I am. I feel the textures of my heart reflected in my daily life, finally. And I feel how worth it it has been, to let go of what once was to become the person who created a life I dreamed about.

And I relax my shoulders & cry & laugh & stay exactly where I am.

There is perfection in anchoring into a new version of yourself. And there is grief in letting go of the shapes you used to frequent. It is all true. We get to be all of it.

May you embrace the grief of growth. May you feel the essence of love in your process. May you emerge in gratitude for your sacred life.

<3
Christie